Saturday, 2 May 2015

Not Good Enough

Lately, I have felt not good enough.

Not good enough at my job. Not a good enough friend. Not a good enough partner. Not a good enough daughter or sister or aunt. Not a good enough blogger.

Things have been shit, frankly. Not properly, things are genuinely bad in my life shit. But feeling completely exhausted and pissed off and grumpy shit. Feeling not good enough.

This year has been tough. My work has been demanding in ways I haven't experienced before. I have felt, so often, that I'm not doing a good enough job. Not in my teaching - weirdly, this year I have felt completely confident that I am really good at that - but in the other areas of responsibility I have in the school.

I'm a perfectionist. I like to be the best; like to have everything around me be lovely. I like to be in control. And work this year, and especially recently, has been decidedly unlovely and out of my control.

At the same time, I've been struggling with this blog. With all my energy going into work, I felt I was neglecting this space. Still posting a couple of times a week, sure, but they were all 'look at what I read/bought/did' posts, which are all well and good but I don't want my blog to be nothing but that. Amazing, challenging, horrifying things were happening in the world - #WeAreTheThey, riots in Baltimore, electioneering - and I wanted desperately to think and write about them but I just didn't have it in me to sit down and marshall my ideas. A tweet of 140 characters? I could manage that. A whole blog post? Nope.

Meanwhile, the question of what job T will have next year and where he'll be living continues to go unanswered. The uncertainty surrounding our lives, our finances, and our living arrangements is something both of us are struggling with. 

And while I stress and panic about all this and more, I've become increasingly bad at keeping up with the very basics of social interaction: replying to emails, keeping in touch with my family, writing letters. Gym-going has ceased (no doubt partly why I feel so rubbish) and I've been horrible company to T at home. 

As I write this, things do seem to be on the up. Whatever slump I found myself in, I'm slowly crawling out of it. So if you're one of the legions of people for whom I've not been a good enough friend, blogger, partner, colleague: I apologise, and sincerely hope that normal service will resume shortly.  


  1. Sharon Robinson3 May 2015 at 12:00

    Its impossible for most people to juggle so many things at once, so don't pressure yourself so much. I'm sure your friends and family will understand. And glad you feel things are improving slowly. :)

  2. It sounds like you are shouldering a lot. I sometimes feel like keeping up with and having an opinion on all of the horrible things in the world is just an extra level of expression we are all meant to have now, but some days it's all too much. Maybe just concentrate on the things in your control if you are feeling overwhelmed, you're already doing far more than most people to affect change in the job you do every day. :-) Hope things improve soon. xo

  3. Glad things are on the up and you are crawling out of your slump. Sometimes its hard living with uncertainty and feeling overwhelmed. Try to take one day at a time and not think too much about the big picture. I think you should be proud of yourself for managing to blog 2x a week despite what is going on behind the scenes. I would not have been able to thats for sure!

    You will get through this x

  4. I think most people would feel overwhelmed, with everything that's going on in your life. You will get through this. But, in the meantime, the people who matter will all understand if you need to take more time for yourself. x

  5. Everybody has times where they feel overwhelmed and feeling stressed about your situation is only going to exacerbate that. Taking the pressure off yourself to be everything to everyone will no doubt help, sometimes you've just got to acknowledge that you're having a hard time and be selfish for a little while. That way, you can recharge and reevaluate so that you can come back ready to do and be all the things you want. You know that your readers will still be here for you whatever so don't worry about it. There's always an ear here if you need it :) xx

  6. I can totally relate to the work related pressures. Stick at it. Even when it feels the worst we're always doing better than we think. I hope things start to look more rosy soon x

  7. Sounds like you've been having a rough time... It's horrible when everything is difficult at once, one or two things are ok to handle, but when everything's up in the air it's just overwhelming. We have a bit of uncertainty at the moment about where we might be living in the next year and it's hard... Although in some ways it's an exciting prospect, I don't relish the idea of having to uproot myself (again). If it's any consolation, I love your blog :)

    Liz xx

  8. Oh Janet, I'm so sorry you've been having a shit time. I know that when there's a lot going on, things can feel overwhelming and it's hard to give your best in all areas of your life. I'm glad things are looking better, and all I can suggest is to focus on yourself and what you need. You'll come back stronger, and those who love you will understand. Don't worry about the blog - if you need a break we'll all still be here, and it goes without saying please feel free to drop me an email any time even if it's just to rant/vent! xx

  9. I read that first paragraph and it resonates so much with me at the moment. This last year has been such a struggle I feel like I have lost myself a bit. I'm trying to find myself again now! Dragging myself out of the slump is tough but I'm sure I can do it!
    Your blog posts might not be the content you'd have wanted but they're still good! And I'm so glad things seem to be picking up! X