Day 22: Dear Janet...

Hints and tips for my thirteen-year-old self:

Mum is going to come out to you soon.  You'll cope with it reasonably well, but you could do with being less of a bitch to her girlfriend.  She's really quite nice, and it just makes you look like a brat.

You're never going to get over being the weird kid and will carry the notion that no-one likes you right into your thirties.  This is actively damaging to your friendships.  Try and be a bit more confident in their ability to make an informed choice to be friends with you.

If you think wearing a C cup bra is bad, just you wait: one day you'll be in a HH (but you really won't mind).

And on that note, being called "melons" by the boys is not something you have to grin and bear.  Not all attention is good attention.

If you choose not to do any work during your A-Levels, fair enough, but don't then feel all shocked and upset when you do really badly.

You will meet rock stars. You will stay up all night.  You will live a life that you - the geeky, studious, swotty bookworm - can't even conceive of for yourself at the moment.  And you will have a blast...

... But you'll eventually realise that that life doesn't make you happy in the long term.  Enjoy it while it lasts, and embrace the change that comes afterwards.

Don't pick up that blade.  Just don't.  It will condemn you to long sleeves in summer for the rest of your working life.

Try not to harp on to your parents about how you'll never drink, or smoke, or do drugs.  They will revel in reminding you of this in seven years time.

That tattoo you want when you're nineteen?  Your parents are right; it's a terrible idea.

One day you will belong, but first you need to realise that there's a value in not belonging, too.

When you tell people that, "mobile phones will never catch on," you'll be wrong.  Likewise iPods, iPhones... basically, when it comes to technology just assume that you're always wrong.  Apart from Minidisc players.  They really won't catch on.

At the moment, you think that the love you read of in books will never happen to you.  But in a couple of years, you will find a girl who you adore.  In your twenties, you will fall in love with a boy who treats you badly.  Finally, once you know you really deserve it, you will meet someone who looks at you with love in his eyes.  Someone who can debate the finer points of feminist theory.  Someone who gives the best cuddles.  Someone who makes you happier than you ever thought you could be.