Tuesday 13 January 2015

Why talking about our abortions is important

"I have yet to meet a woman who was 'pro-abortion,' the same is true for 'pro-mastectomy' or 'pro-hysterectomy.' Unfortunately, these procedures are sometimes what a woman needs."
                                From Every Third Woman In America by Dr. David Grimes

When Nicki Minaj shared the story of her abortion in a Rolling Stone interview recently, I wanted to cheer. Why? It's not like an abortion is a happy time in a woman's life, so why would I be so glad Minaj was discussing hers?

Here's why: it's estimated that in the US and UK, one woman in three will have an abortion at some point in her life. And yet it's a topic almost totally shrouded in secrecy, our personal decisions made shameful by silence.

Abortion happens for all sorts of reasons: the stereotype of the feckless teenager who didn't use contraception is far from the truth. In fact, the 'typical' abortion patient is a woman in her mid-twenties who has experienced contraception failure*. There is also a significant number of women in their 30s and 40s who seek abortions, and in 2013 in England & Wales, 1% of abortions were carried out due to fetal abnormalities**. Although abortion rates are falling in both the US and UK - due largely to improved access to free contraception - that statistic of one in three women has held true for the last twenty years. It is therefore extremely likely that a woman close to you either has already had, or will have, an abortion.

When I was 21 I had two abortions, very close together. The first because we'd been careless with contraception (yep, I was that feckless stereotype I'm afraid, albeit not quite a teenager); the second because the contraceptive pill - taken religiously since the first abortion - failed. For very many reasons I was not capable of becoming a parent at that point in my life. Safe, legal, free abortion provision meant that I was able to move on from a bad relationship, get help with my mental health problems, graduate university and become a happy, fully functioning member of society.

There is currently a cultural dialogue - especially prevalant on 'mommy blogs' - around miscarriage that suggests it's important to talk about it when you experience it, so people can understand how widespread pregnancy loss is. Sarah wrote a brilliant post in which she interrogates that idea and persuasively argues that it's all down to personal choice: you get to decide who you tell and when you tell them, not some internet strangers insisting it's important. And I wholeheartedly agree with this in relation to abortion too. Some women will never feel comfortable discussing their abortions, and that's fine. When we talk about being pro-choice, that must include women having the choice of what they divulge. However, for those of us with big mouths (like me), or who don't mind talking about their abortions (like Minaj), it's important to recognise that by doing so we can help further the pro-choice movement while perhaps making things easier for other women to talk about their own experiences.

I've always talked about my experience with abortion. At first, when they were a recent memory, I worked through my feelings by talking - often relentlessly - about what had happened. Now I try and be more circumspect, mostly because so many women I know are facing fertility problems and/or pregnancy loss. Even so, I will happily refer to my abortions in general conversation: on a recent blogger meet-up, for example, we were chatting about tattoos and I casually referred to the ones I'd had done as a sort of memorial, post-abortion. Only once the words were out did I stop to consider whether it was appropriate (at which I mentally shrugged my shoulders and decided I didn't care).

As anti-choice*** legislation (almost overwhelmingly put forward by male legislators) becomes an ever-more pressing a problem in the USA, Europe and even the UK, it's important that women start to talk about their experience of abortion. Studies have shown that one of the single biggest factors in making a man pro-choice is when they learn that women close to them have in the past accessed abortion services. By silencing ourselves we reinforce the idea that abortion is something shameful and secret, and we lose the chance to demonstrate just how essential having agency over our own bodies is.

* Source: Every Third Woman In America by Dr. David Grimes
** Source: Department of Health Abortion Statistics, England & Wales 2013
*** I use 'anti-choice' because I believe the term 'pro-life' to be a misnomer for a movement that prioritises the survival of a cluster of cells over a grown woman's life (see, for example, the tragic case in Ireland of Savita Halappanava, who died in hospital after doctors - fearful of the country's stringent laws that ban abortion - denied her request for a life-saving termination)

20 comments:

  1. Such a great post and such an important topic. I don't know how you go about getting people feeling more comfortable about talking about things like this, though, which is a shame. I know that even though it's more than six years ago now, I don't feel comfortable talking about my miscarriage and I'm not sure what would change that as I sort of thought it was something I'd feel better about in time.

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    1. Thank you. And I know what you mean - I don't know how you move to a climate where people are more comfortable talking about this stuff. Often, as you say, time doesn't really make a difference in terms of being happier to discuss it.

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  2. Oh, great post! The accepted wisdom that abortions are all had by careless teenagers bothers me not just because it's factually inaccurate but because the implication is that the careless teenagers should then be forced to go on and have the baby as some kind of punishment - I don't see how that helps them and I don't see how it can be good for the child. Parenthood shouldn't be about teaching somebody a lesson (particularly if you're then going to spend the next eighteen years judging them for their teen pregnancy/single motherhood/reliance on benefits).

    The fact is people make mistakes, contraception fails, not all foetuses are healthy and some women have horrible experiences which leave them with unwanted pregnancies - we are lucky to live in a country where accidents and awful situations can be (to some extent) rectified. It scares me to think that that safety net could ever be taken away from us.

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    1. "Parenthood shouldn't be about teaching somebody a lesson"... how very true. Unfortunately, for most of these law-makers and protesters, their interest in the women and their babies ends at birth.

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  3. Such a fantastic, brave post. More people need to speak out and rid the stupid stigma attached to abortion!

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    1. Thank you for that, I was pretty nervous about posting it but I think it's important.

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  4. I don't have any friends who have been open about having an abortion, and I only know two (both met by blogging, incidentially - maybe not just a coincidence?) who have mentioned their about miscarriages. And yet - I know a lot of women, most of whom are in heterosexual relationships, and so logically there are things that are not being discussed. Maybe it's because I'm not close to any of them - but I think it's more than that.
    The shame associated with pregnancy (as in when it goes "wrong" - miscarriage, abortion, infertility) makes me sad, and angry and sad again. I do wonder if it is a degree of shame, or fear of being judged, which stops women talking - the echoes of Victorian prudishness about women's sexuality seems to create a strange society where it's ok for women to be paraded around with no clothes on, but not to be open, frank or honest about the reality and results of that sexuality.
    I have so much to say and can't be very coherant about it, sorry!

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    1. This is very coherent! You make such an important point - we are still, as a society, ridiculously squeamish over women's bodies (cf. breastfeeding 'controversy') and totally conflicted about women being sexual. On the one hand, we're told it's the only way to be successful, but then we are punished for it too. Laurie Penny writes brilliantly on this disconnect in Unspeakable Things.

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  5. This is such an important post - well done for publishing it! A friend of mine had an abortion last year (not a teenager, more a woman at the beginning of her career) and I was one of the only people who knew about it, as she knew I would support her and not judge her, unlike others. Whilst I was pleased she felt like that about me and our friendship, I was so sad that she felt other 'friends' would disapprove of her making the right decision for her, at this stage in her life. What's that saying about not judging people until you've walked some miles in their shoes?!

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    1. It is horribly sad how many women keep it totally secret because they fear judgement, at the one time they need the support of their friends and family.

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  6. I am glad you wrote this post. I still remember an uncomfortable day when I was at university and one of my friends was holding forth on an anti-choice rant while I knew another friend in the room had an abortion about six months earlier. I responded by putting forward the pro-choice argument and she made it a moral issue, implying those who have abortions are somehow morally bad. I have never agreed with that despite my Catholic upbringing. It is not an easy decision for someone to make and I hope never to have to face it. I know that those who I know have had abortions did not take the decision lightly and needed support afterwards, the fear of reproach needs to be addressed but only by those who are comfortable doing it.

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    1. That's a horrible situation to be in - but well done for at least trying to argue the case. I think that's why - although it's extremely difficult, for fear of judgement - women talking about their abortions is so important. There's a disconnect in the mind of many anti-choicers that abortions happen to other people - poor women, young women, black women. It can be harder to argue it's a moral issue when you know that your mum, or sister, or best friend, has had a termination.

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  7. I really want to comment on this but I'm only going to echo what everyone else has said - you've written a fantastic and very brave post and I completely agree with Gwen above about the shame associated with abortion, miscarriage and infertility. It's both a sad and twisted world when we stigmatise other women for things like that but don't support each other and speak out. Life's not perfect, the road to or from pregnancy is very rarely perfect and the more people keep talking about things like this, the better methinks. So yep, you definitely get a 'well done' and cheer from me for being so honest and not afraid to speak out! xx

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    1. Thank you! I love this - "the road to and from pregnancy is very rarely perfect" - so true and the sooner we stop, as a society, pretending that it is, the better from women.

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  8. I completely agree that we need to be able to speak more openly about abortion. I've never needed one but I imagine it as the most lonely and secretive thing a woman can ever do because it just feels like this closed off event that needs to be swept under the carpet. This is so unhelpful for so many reasons. Opening up discourse about it means that women who have been through the process, or are planning to, have somewhere to go to discuss it and to be reassured that the cliche stereotypes aren't what it's all about. Great post, love!

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  9. This is a brilliant post. I remember Caitlin Moran mentioning in her book, that women often have to act like having an abortion is the most upsetting and traumatic experience they've ever been through, because despite how open minded people claim to be, they still think, deep down, that there is something wrong about having an abortion, and that you have to justify it by being really sad about, otherwise your'e a bad person.

    Of course, for some women it can be an emotionally painful and life altering experience, but for others it can be just a procedure that was necessary for them at the time, and they don't feel guilt or shame about it, and that is how it should be really.

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    1. I loved that bit in Moran's book, she pins down how it feels for a lot of women so accurately. I compare mine to having a tooth out - no-one walks around thinking, "Oh I really hope I get toothache and have to have a tooth removed" but when it happens, you get it done and it hurts and it leaves a gap but it's also a relief. For me, my abortions were similar - there was some (emotional) pain, yes, but more than that there was relief.

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  10. I think the reason that we tend not to share that we've had an abortion is because of the huge raining down of judgement that you fear will come your way. That you are either:
    a) a depraved nympho - I've never understood this view but for some people they cannot seem to separate that you might get accidentally pregnant without having a lot of sex
    b) an idiot who can't use contraception
    c) a heartless bitch who hates children

    Add in to that that there are people who can't get pregnant which adds a whole other dimension because then I feel guilty that I didn't have my baby when there are others out there who are desperate for one.

    At a time when I was feeling pretty messed up I had absolutely no-one to talk to. To this day none of my family know and the only people that knew at the time were my boss because I needed to take a couple of days off work suddenly and the guy that I was seeing at the time (unfortunately not the father....hello awkwardness). Since then I've told a couple more people but you could count the number on both hands.

    But I think it is important to talk about it to break down these stereotypes and help people understand that feeling bad about something doesn't mean that you regret it. I don't regret having to have an abortion at all but I do feel bad that it ever had to happen.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story. After I had mine, because I was so open with my friends about what had happened, I then became the go-to person for abortion chat. A couple of not-so-close friends turned to me when they needed abortions and I was able to give support, another male friend came to me for a chat when his partner had one... it was nice to feel like I was able to help others because I'd been honest about my own. Like I say, though, nowadays I talk about it a lot less - partly because so much time has passed, but partly because now I'm in my 30s I know SO many women suffering from fertility problems and desperate for children, it feels pretty awful for me to talk about the two I didn't want.

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