Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts

Saturday, 2 January 2016

My Favourite Moments In 2015


Andrea wrote a wonderful post about her favourite moments of 2015, and I liked the idea of reflecting on both the big events and the small moments. So, in no particular order, my moments of 2015 were...

- Being offered the job at Willoughby. Receiving that phone call made me realise just how much I wanted the job, and how much I needed a change. I feel very lucky to have been able to find a role that is just so perfect for me.

- Celebrating with lots of cocktails after Thomas submitted his PhD thesis. His viva is only a few weeks away, so fingers crossed there'll be more celebration then.

- Sitting in a pub in Walsingham, Norfolk, listening to a group of priests gossip about how their colleagues conduct Mass. It was like something out of Father Ted and very, very funny.

- Watching my brother and Stephanie getting married.

- Seeing Joanna Newsom live at the Albert Hall in Manchester, especially when she played Cosmia.

- Opening the email that told me I had permission to visit Canada.

- An impromptu Saturday bike ride and picnic with Thomas that turned into a long afternoon in the pub talking rubbish.

- Playing games with my niece; she's very into imaginative play, so I've variously been an incompetent police officer, a journalist, a teacher, a private investigator and a murder victim this year.

- Being upgraded to first class on our flight from Reykjavik to Toronto.

- Every moment of the time I had with family in Canada. Our family's a big one - my mum is one of five children and there are fifteen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren - and we live across three continents, so any chance to see my cousins, aunts and uncles is precious. But this reunion was our first chance to all be together (apart from a couple of cousins who couldn't make the trip) since 1991, so it was even more special.

- Being adopted by two local cats who proceeded to spend most of their summer hanging out with us.

- Getting the train down to London for an enormously fun Monday evening in the pub with friends. Tuesday morning was less fun.

- The wonderful speech that my Head of Department gave on my last day at school in December, followed by a rousing song he'd composed about me to the tune of Once In Royal David's City.

I mentioned in yesterday's review of 2015 that in many ways it was a tough year but looking back at these memories also reminds me of what an incredible time I've had, and I'm looking forward to more great moments in 2016.

Friday, 1 January 2016

2015: A Year In Review

Well, 2015 turned out to be a funny old year. I remember, back in January, deciding to have a year off from my Q&A a day journal on the grounds that 2015 was going to be exactly the same as 2014.

It didn't quite turn out that way.

From battling with some pretty serious anxiety (which sometimes made all our amazing travel opportunities hard to cope with), to changing my entire career, 2015 was anything but the same as 2014. I can't quite decide if it was a good year: in total, the good definitely outweighed the bad and I've had some amazing moments this year, but it was also tough and gruelling at times. Put it this way, I'm not sorry to see the back of it: roll on 2016!


January
I wrote about why we're planning a feminist wedding (sum total of planning actually achieved in 2015= zero), listed the music that's soundtracked my life, and discussed why talking about abortion is important (a subject I expanded on for The Olive Fox later in the year).



February
I posted a how-to for a 'Feminist As Fuck' slogan embroidery, finished our office makeover, and wrote about 10 things I'm good at, as well as going on some half term adventures.



March
Thomas and I visited Saltaire, I considered the problem of solidarity on International Womens Day, and I wrote about the shitty bits that often get glossed over when blogging.



April
We visited Glasgow for some time with Thomas's family, inspired by Sarah, I wrote about the five things I swore I'd never do, and I commenced my now-annual week of making.


May
We spent a weekend in Bristol and a week in the Netherlands, I reflected on a devastating election result by suggesting five ways to resist, gave some reasons why travelling alone rocks, struggled with some MH issues, and failed to blog every day.



June
I made the most of my weekends, celebrated my birthday with Photo an Hour, and hosted a guest post on gender identity by Siobhan.


July
I spent a super fun Saturday at Indietracks festival with Laura, completed the travel-themed, budget makeover of our spare room, and we jetted off to Canada via Iceland.


August
Thomas and I visited Montreal followed by Toronto, I wrote about what to expect when your partner has a vasectomy, and most importantly, we attended my family reunion in Canada, an experience I haven't yet found the words to write about.


September
My mum and I had a day out in Haworth, I wrote about feeling disillusioned with teaching, and our lives took a radical new direction when both Thomas and I got new jobs.


October
October was a very relationship-focused month: Thomas and I celebrated our third anniversary, went on a date in Nottingham, and spent a week in Norfolk. Plus, this was the month by little brother got married: so exciting!



November
By November I was working two jobs and averaging around 70 hours a week so not much blogging happened, although I did find time to share some outfit photo out-takes.


December
In December I shared some budget gift-wrapping ideas and wrote about some great festive reads, as well as rounding up my favourite music and books of 2015.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

The 5 things I swore I'd never do

Janet at 19: in need of a supportive bra, but at least my lipstick game was on point

Sarah wrote an ace piece recently about the things she swore she'd never do... and then somehow ended up doing. So much of what she said chimed with my own experiences, so (with permission, of course) I thought I'd come up with my own list of the things I told myself I'd never let happen in my life.

1. Stand at the back of a gig
"God, what's the point of even going to a gig if you're just gonna stand at the back, clutching a pint?" went our oft-repeated teenage refrain. To us, the only place to be was in the heart of the mosh pit or clinging to the barrier, gazing adoringly at the indie stars as they crooned to us. Now? Unless a gig has the option of sitting down, I seriously think twice about even booking a ticket. At a recent Ryan Adams show I felt so smug, sitting up in my comfy seat on the balcony while down below, people jostled for position in the main arena. Sixteen-year-old me would be aghast.

2. Wear a coat
In 1994, when I was 16, I decided that it wasn't cool to wear a coat. Instead, I had a ratty grey wool men's cardigan, which I'd picked up in a charity shop and fancied to be rather like the one Kurt Cobain wore during Nirvana's MTV Unplugged performance. That cardigan saw me through several freezing cold Yorkshire winters: I once walked the seven miles home from Bradford, in the middle of a snowstorm, wearing nothing but a dress, the cardigan and my trusty Docs. And while I did end up buying a coat some time in the late 90s, it took me an embarrassingly long time (like, until I was about 33) to realise that wet or cold weather is really so much more pleasant when you're properly dressed and shod in sensible shoes.

3. Sell out
As a teen and young adult, if I was determined about one thing it was this: I would never sell out. Which is to say, I'd never have to stop making art and writing. I'd certainly never get a 'proper' job or a mortgage. I'd never stop partying and protesting. I'd never stop dying my hair lurid colours, nor take out the myriad facial piercings I'd accumulated. I'd be a free spirit, tied down to nothing. It's embarrassing, now, to look back at what a cliche 'rebel' I really was. Over time, I was able to think more carefully about which bits of my rebellion were truly important: having pink hair and partying every weekend? Not that important (and also damn near impossible now I'm old and prefer to be in my pyjamas by 9pm on a Saturday night). Writing, activism, travelling? All pretty important. Having a well-paid and therefore 'proper' job to enable the aforementioned writing, activism and travelling? Fairly essential.

4. Become a teacher
The idea of teaching as a future career was first suggested to me by my sixth form English teacher, Mrs Pugh, after I'd dominated the discussion on Henry V Part 1 for the nth time. It was not a suggestion met with delight. I might not have known exactly what I did want to do but I knew what I didn't, and that was teaching. The conversation repeated itself in university careers interviews; in the pub with friends, when the subject of my inability to hold down a job came up; from my mum in despair, as I told her of the newest career change: "What about teaching?" "Not a chance."

I can't quite put my finger on the moment when my response changed from, "Not a chance," to, "Hmmm, maybe," but by the time I was 25 I'd enrolled on a PGCE, with the notion that I'd teach for a couple of years and then pack it all in to go travelling again. Well, ten years later and I'm still teaching. I discovered to my surprise (and, I suspect, the surprise of those who know me well) that I'm actually a pretty good teacher. Turns out Mrs Pugh was right all along.

5. Become one half of those couples
You know the kind: those couples off whom happiness just radiates as they grin at each other, holding hands and leaning on each other's shoulders. The couples who are really just going about their business but who, when you're single and feeling vulnerable and lonely, seem like a smack in the face. After ten years on my own I'd made all sorts of promises to myself that I'd never be so touchy-feely and so obviously loved-up in public. That I'd consider my single brethren when I had a partner. Yeah, that didn't go to plan...

Friday, 16 January 2015

The soundtrack to my life


It feels like it's been years - in fact, it actually might be years - since I last wrote about music here. When I started the blog, my regular Music Monday posts were a big part of what I did, but since that finished the music content has sort of petered out. 

Music is and always has been a massive part of my life: my parents met when they performed together in a Gilbert & Sullivan opera in Johannesburg and between my dad's organ-playing and my mum's guitar and piano, there was always music at home. My siblings and I were all musically involved as children, whether it was learning instruments, singing in the church or school choirs, or putting on shows at home (I used to harangue my brothers to be my back-up dancers in performances of Jesus Christ Superstar).

When I hit my teens I gave up on church and discovered rock music: grunge, indie and Britpop were the soundtrack to my youth. I started a music fanzine and got the chance to meet my heroes, bands like Placebo and Gene, Ash and Longpigs; acts mostly long-forgotten except to 90s kids like myself. At university I started listening to the somewhat weird combination of heavy rock - Marilyn Manson, Deftones - and conscious hip-hop - Common, De La Soul, Mos Def. Then, in my mid-twenties, I was introduced by my brother to American folk and alt-rock, artists such as Grizzly Bear, Sufjan Stevens, Joanna Newsom, which is a large part of what I still listen to today.

All of which is to say, if I had to make a true soundtrack of my life it'd be a very confused playlist, running the gamut from my parents' Simon & Garfunkel records to my current favourite band, chillwave duo Tennis, via Take That, Hole, Blur, the Manic Street Preachers, Korn, Dr Dre, Bjork, Ben Folds Five and The Smiths. But when I saw the Soundtrack to My Life tag on Elettravelle, I knew I wanted to at least give it a go.

I'd also love to know the soundtracks to your lives - use these tag questions or hit me up in the comments.

Song you listen to when you're happy?
This changes constantly but at the moment I really like Mean The Most by Nehruvian Doom, which is just the loveliest and most romantic slice of chilled-out hip hop.

Song you listen to when you're sad?
It depends whether or not I want to wallow in my misery. If I'm content to lie around and weep, then Beck's Golden Age is one of the saddest songs I know. If I need something to cheer me up, then nothing is better than pure pop music. I still love 2012 Eurovision winner Loreen's Euphoria, and my 2014 obsession was Nobody To Love by Sigma.

What song will you have at your wedding?
I've long wanted Aretha Franklin's beautiful version of the soul classic You Send Me but I also have a soft spot for At My Most Beautiful by REM. Unfortunately, The Boy is most fond of quite terrible 80s hair rock ballads (think Bon Jovi, Poison, Alice Cooper) so god only knows* what we'll end up with.
* Also a lovely wedding song.

What song do you dance around the house to?
Party Hard by Andrew WK. I honestly don't think it's possible not to grin while headbanging away to it.

Song you play on your headphones when out and about?
Beach House's Bloom album makes a great soundtrack, especially in sunny weather. Same goes for any of Tennis's three albums. If I had to narrow it down to one song each, I'd go for Beach House's Troublemaker and Marathon by Tennis.

Song you listen to when you're angry?
Gutless by Hole is a great song for getting the rage out by singing along to. All together now, "Just you try to hold me down, come on try to shut me up."

Song you'd have at your funeral?
My brother and I used to play this game where we'd try and name the most vastly inappropriate song to play at a wedding or funeral. Shoot The Head, Kill The Ghoul by Jeffrey Lewis might be pretty funny.

Song that makes you lose your shit at a party?
Ah, so many! Boogie Wonderland by Earth Wind & Fire (that bit where he sings, "All the love in the world can't be wrong..."? Musical perfection) can always get me dancing, as can Test Icicles' indie disco classic Circle Square Triangle or Reptilia by The Strokes. And, more embarrassingly, Papa Roach's Last Resort.

The last song you listened to?
Playing on the iPod as I write is Of Moons, Birds & Monsters by MGMT. Completely random shuffle choice, but it's reminded me of how much I like MGMT.

Your karaoke song?
I've only ever done karaoke once and it's not a performance I'm proud of. Picture the scene: a bar full of my fellow trainee teachers - one too many white wines - a karaoke machine - the Devinyls song I Touch Myself. I'll allow you to fill in the details.

What song do you work out/exercise to?
Arctic Monkeys' Brianstorm is great for picking up speed on the cross-trainer.

Song with the most memories attached?
It's a great sadness to me that the beautiful Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley is forever tainted by memories of my awful ex-boyfriend.

Song that makes you cry?
Weird, because I'm an atheist, but Oh Holy Night gets me every time. Pretty much any version, but bonus points if sung by an angelic child or if it's Sufjan Stevens' arrangement.

Song you hate the most?
There are a few songs that, if I hear them on the radio, I'll turn straight over. Blurred Lines, obviously, Timber by Kesha and Pitbull, or anything by Chris Brown.

Your favourite song of all time?
This is completely impossible to answer. I could just about give you a favourite song for each year of my life, but we'd be here a long time. So I'm going to throw out the first few that come to mind and then internally curse myself for missing other stuff out. So...
Cosmia by Joanna Newsom
Olympian by Gene
Elephant Gun by Beirut
Rocket by the Smashing Pumpkins
Hot Fun In The Summertime by Sly & The Family Stone
About Face by Grizzly Bear
The Shining by Badly Drawn Boy
Sonnet 29 by Rufus Wainwright
Dry Lips by Lightspeed Champion
Grown Ocean by Fleet Foxes
Branches by Midlake
To The End by Blur

Friday, 2 January 2015

2014: A year in review

I know I'm a little late with this - I've only just started feeling well enough to blog again - and that everyone and their dog has already done a round-up post, but forgive me. I love having a chance to look back over my year, and 2014 was a good one. I feel like I finally found my blogging groove: built a community around me, improved my photography, started doing outfit posts, became more explicitly feminist and political, wrote some pieces that I'm really bloody proud of. Here are my best bits of 2014...

January

The Boy and I went to Manchester and Liverpool to eat all the vegan food and admire the street art; I gave some advice for anyone considering going part-time at work; and I set myself a goal for 2014: Don't Worry, Be Happy. Hmm, not entirely sure how well I achieved that: I'm a worrier by nature.

February

For Valentines Day I talked about how miraculous it is that The Boy puts up with me; my shitty health finally got the better of me; and I did a scary thing and survived. Seriously, overcoming my social anxiety to meet up with other bloggers was the single best thing I did in 2014. Becks, Laura, Elle, Becca, Sarah and Elise turned out to not be scary at all - huh, funny that - but instead lovely, warm people whom I am happy to call my friends.

March

We spied some awesome pavement art by a local proto-Banksy, I shared my 10 wardrobe essentials, talked about why I've always been a feminist, and explained why I was joining the NUT teachers' strike. 

April

We went to Glasgow to visit The Boy's hometown and were greeted with beautiful blue skies as we mooched around the stunning cemetery. I also wrote one of my favourite ever posts: What came first, the music or the misery? Inspired by a quote from High Fidelity, it's incredibly personal but I'm super proud of it and think it's one of the best things I've written.

May

The sun finally shone and we went into the woods for a picnic. I did my first outfit post, embarked on a week of making and wrote about why I can sometimes be perceived as a 'bad' friend.

June

We celebrated my birthday with a weekend in Bristol (and took my favourite picture of us - I just love this photo!), my tattoo was finished and I wrote about how it had changed my body image, and I discussed how The Boy's veganism had changed my own dietary habits.

July

I took a break from baking my friend's wedding cake (extremely stressful: do not recommend) to take a trip to Cambridge, gave you all a tour of our new-look living room, which had been updated with some vintage and secondhand midcentury modern finds, and redecorated our kitchen on the hottest days of the year (also do not recommend).

August

Our summer holiday was a couple of days in the Netherlands followed by a short break in Copenhagen, after which I wrote a guide to vintage shopping in Amsterdam. And I published one of those pieces that you work on forever and never quite get right: I still don't feel I properly expressed what I wanted to in On Queerness: about being a queer girl dating a cis gender guy.

September

I started my spending ban (total saved so far: £800), wrote about memories of my incredible grandfather in When a Chair Is Not Just a Chair, and became the kind of person who goes to blogger meet-ups.

October

We spent a long weekend in Norfolk, and I wrote a series of posts about sponsored content, having big boobs, and posting half-naked pictures of myself online. Everyone was lovely about it, too, which was ace.

November

November brought some busy but rewarding weekends. The Boy and I started a new joint venture, The Hungry Vegan, a blog about being vegan and, well, hungry, offering recipes, reviews and rants. I also did something which would have been unfathomable to me a year previously: posted some extremely embarrassing pictures of myself in How Bad Outfit Photos Taught Me To Stop Fearing The Camera, and, in one of my most-viewed posts of 2014, gave you some ideas on how to have a conscious Christmas.

December

For all that 2014 was a pretty good year, the last three weeks of it weren't that great. First a flu virus, then bronchitis, completely floored me (I'm still not un-floored actually, more like dragging myself up from the ground slowly and painfully). As a result, blogging fell by the wayside somewhat, although I managed three makes: Christmas cards, an evergreen wreath, and a festive blackboard.

Monday, 8 September 2014

When a chair is not just a chair


This is my most precious item of furniture. Doesn't look like much, does it? It's a dodgy shade of brown velour (after being reupholstered at some point in the 80s) and it has too many scratches and marks to mention. Looking at it, you're possibly wondering what makes it so precious. Well, sometimes a chair isn't just a chair. Sometimes it's also a symbol: of love, of family, of the journeys people make.

The chair came into my family when it was bought by my grandfather, Theo, for my grandmother, Helen, when she was pregnant with my uncle. It was to be her nursing chair.  That was in 1940s South Africa but the frame is obviously older than that and I think it must have been owned and loved by another family first. What I do know is that my grandpa would have found it at a garage sale or auction. He almost never bought furniture new, always preferring to find something secondhand that he could restore and breathe new life into. When it was reupholstered in the aforementioned brown velour, he did it himself.

After being bought some time in 1941 the chair accompanied my grandparents and their growing family on many moves around South Africa; from Johannesburg to Rustenberg, on to Durban and finally Cape Town. My grandmother nursed five children in it, and they kept it even after their sons and daughter grew up and left home. And this is where the history of my chair becomes entwined with world history.

By the 1970s my grandfather, a charismatic Methodist minister, was the regional director of the anti-apartheid Christian Institute. His outspoken writings and public lectures against apartheid meant he ran afoul of the South African government. He was banned and subject to virtual house arrest, and in 1978 plans were made to smuggle him out of the country so that he could continue his activism in exile. In June 1978 (my granny having come ahead to England using the cover story that she was visiting her daughter, my mum) my grandfather said goodbye to Cape Town and began a journey that involved a chain of cars driven under cover of night, transfers conducted in dusty and silent desert towns, a trip across the Botswanan border in the boot of a sympathetic diplomat's car, and finally a flight to London. He didn't know if he, or my grandmother, would ever see South Africa - and the things they'd left behind - again.

It didn't take long for the authorities to work out that Theo had escaped and soon my uncle was able to start packing up their house. A lot of their possessions went to friends and family in South Africa, but some important pieces were shipped to the UK ready for my grandparents (who by late 1978 had temporarily moved to the Netherlands to work for the Christian Institute office there) to return and settle in England. The chair was amongst the few items of furniture that made the journey from Cape Town to their new home in Birmingham.

Theo & Helen in the early 1990s

The drama of escape over, the chair settled into calm domestic life once again. Theo first got a job teaching at a theological college in Birmingham and then moved to work as parish minister in a Warwickshire village. My memories of the chair are of perching on my granny's knee as she read me bedtime stories. Of my grandpa, older now and exhausted by a life lived in exile, sitting reading letters from friends and colleagues back home.  And when, in 1994, Theo and Helen were finally able to return to a new South Africa (now governed by their friend and comrade Nelson Mandela), the chair stayed behind in Bradford with my mum, where it lived first in her living room and then the conservatory.

When I bought my house five years ago, mum asked if I might want to give the chair a new home. After making seventeen moves in twelve years, I was finally ready to settle and put down roots. I could think of no better piece of furniture to take pride of place in my new home than my granny's old nursing chair.

The chair now lives on the landing after many years in my bedroom. It's getting a bit tired looking and the colour doesn't match anything I own. I've thought about having it reupholstered many times. But sometimes a chair is more than just a chair, and nothing on earth could convince me to change one that holds so many memories.

This is my entry into the British Gas History Of Home competition. It was also a good excuse to write about Theo, one of the most important people in my life. After a long illness Theo died in 2003, aged 82. Helen passed away last year at the age of 91. I wrote about her here.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

How a tattoo taught me to love my arms


Disclaimer: I am very much writing about my personal experience here and would never claim that my own experiences with tattooing are representative of a wider community.

There have been some very interesting pieces in the Guardian recently about women and tattoos, culminating in Bidisha, in an article last week, likening her tattoos to "socially legitimised self-harm." Some of what she wrote was kind of eye roll (her apparent surprise that the sleeve she got in her 20s was permanent was disingenuous to say the least) but I certainly related to the idea of tattoos as self-harm.  I had four tattoos in my late teens and early twenties and there was - for me - undeniably a link between my self-harm and my tattooing at that point in my life; the endorphin rush of getting a tattoo being virtually identical to the endorphin rush of cutting myself.

The tattoos I have from this time in my life speak of a need to make my mark on myself and on the world. And although I once imbued them with meaning - attempts to demonstrate my independence or to memorialise loss - now they're just marks on my body.  They are neither beautiful works of art nor pieces that enhance my body but, with the exception of the ugly tribal-style armband that snaked around my upper arm (the dark shadow of which you can see under my new one), I'm fine with their existence and generally forget that they're even there.

It was only as I entered my less turbulent 30's that the idea of returning to tattoos occurred to me, and it was really when I visited Portland, Oregon in 2011, and saw the vast range of beautiful body art on show there, that I was able to start thinking about tattoos not as self-harm but as self-adornment.

I spent a couple of years pinning* images I liked and started to narrow down my ideas to something colourful and floral on my right arm.  For years, I have hated my arms and I wanted desperately to improve my body image in relation to them.  Flabby and lacking tone no matter what I do in the gym; covered in keratosis pilaris (small red dots and bumps); scarred in many ways, not least with the terrible tattoo I'd inadvisedly chosen when I was 19, I've spent my entire adult life hiding them and, even in the hottest summers, wearing only clothes that would cover them.  What better way to make my hated arms something I cherished than by following the principle of self-adornment?

The final result is actually not entirely final - there's still some touching up to do around the shoulder - but I bloody love it.  My relationship with that area of my body, so long hated, has changed almost overnight.  Whereas before I used to spend hot days sweating in a cardigan, now I can't wait to bare my arms.  It seems almost facile to say, but by putting something beautiful on my body I've started to believe that that part of my body is beautiful.

I've enjoyed people's reactions to it, too.  Whilst the vast majority of people love my tattoo as much as I do, any negative comment is related to either the fact of my being almost 36, or my being female, or both.  Whilst there is nothing unusual or revolutionary about tattoos nowadays, something about the combination of my age and my gender has led to some interesting responses, from "Aren't you a bit old for that kind of thing?" and "I'd have hoped you'd grown out of this by now," to, "I like tattoos but they're not very feminine, are they?"

And so, in answer to those questions:
I actually think that, if anything, I'm only now finally old enough for them.
Sorry mum, but although my hard partying days are long behind me, I haven't yet grown out of "that kind of thing".
Fuck feminine.

*Actually, this is a lie.  I've never got to grips with Pinterest, but saying "saving to my favourites folder" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.


Monday, 7 April 2014

What came first, the music or the misery?

High Fidelity Screenprint by Barry D Bulsara

"What came first, the music or the misery?  People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" 
(High Fidelity by Nick Hornby)

I didn't have what it takes to be a happy teenager.  Too many strikes - bullied, weird, clever, queer - against me.  So it wasn't that I was miserable because I listened to miserable music, not exactly.  I hadn't been all that happy before I discovered Hole, Nirvana, the Manic Street Preachers, but once I did start listening to them, it brought my own unhappiness into sharper focus. I could see my own misery reflected back to me in the lyrics of the songs and the actions of the musicians, both validating my feelings and - this is the crux - exacerbating them. The music normalised my misery and I've always wondered: did it contribute to what came next?

"I'm a creep/I'm a weirdo/What the hell am I doing here?/I don't belong here."
Radiohead, Creep (1992)

Bradford in the mid-90s was not the greatest place anyway, but if you had a southern accent that eight years of living in Yorkshire hadn't softened, a habit of coming top of the class in every subject, and "a shyness that was criminally vulgar", then it was not just dull, it was hell.  By the time I was 15, I'd worked out that I was never going to belong there and so maybe I could stop trying so hard.  I cut my hair, dyed it and started wearing the clothes I wanted to wear.  I began listening to the music I was interested in - grunge, indie, Riot Grrrl - rather than the house music that was de rigueur amongst my peers.  I quickly found that there was a comfort to be had in not just not fitting in but being declarative and open about my otherness.  I'd always been called weird, but embracing the weirdness meant it didn't hurt as much when they said it. 
 
"Scratch my leg with a rusty nail, sadly it heals/Colour my hair but the dye grows out/I can't seem to stay a fixed ideal."
Manic Street Preachers, Die In The Summertime (1994)

Somehow, the year I started A Levels, being weird on my own morphed into being weird with two best friends.  But rather than cheer me up and enhance my life, we plunged into one of those intense, crazed teenage girl friendships that thrive on drama and pain.  We wallowed in our misery, revelled in it. We aped the fashions of our outsider heroes, so why not ape their angst too? From Richey we learnt that to cut was divine, each slice into our flesh a rebellion against... what?  Oh we all had our own reasons to be unhappy, that's true, but the first cuts weren't made in sadness but in a twisted sort of hero-worship, egging each other on almost competitively.  And of course, once you've done it, the addiction kicks in.  A need for the adrenaline rush and the release and the sweet sweet feeling that this, this was something more real than life in a Northern town that they forgot to close down.
 
"Since I was born I started to decay/Now nothing ever ever goes my way"
Placebo, Teenage Angst (1996)

Alone in my bedroom, walls plastered with posters of suicidal rock stars, I would mull over the pointlessness of life and the terrible inevitability of death.  I would listen to The Smiths and the Manics, read Sylvia Plath poetry, pick at the scabs on my arms and write tortured 'zine articles.  I thought I was being 'deep' when really I was a total cliche.  I sunk into my depression and began a cycle of medication and therapy that was to go on for years. 

"So you go and you stand on your own/And you leave on your own/And you go home and you cry and you want to die."
The Smiths, How Soon Is Now (1984)

In 1996 I left for university.  If my depression at home had been somewhat brought upon myself, an experience that I almost treasured, the misery that came upon me when I moved was something else entirely.  A black wall, insurmountable.  Now that I didn't have buddies with whom to be sad, I did the unthinkable and went out on my own, reaching out blindly to find a human connection.  And I would, quite literally, go to clubs and stand on my own and leave on my own.  I would go home and cry and want to die.  I made an entirely half-hearted attempt at suicide on one such night, not so much a cry for help as a stupid drunken attempt to just feel something.  I felt a twat the next day, sitting in the dining hall with my pathetically bandaged wrist.

"For once in my life/Let me get what I want/Lord knows it would be the first time."
The Smiths, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want (1984)

Do I think the music was to blame for my depression?  No.  A few years later I was listening to Destiny's Child and Dr Dre and I was still depressed.  An unhappy time at school as a young teenager and the fucked up biochemistry of my brain is what made me depressed.  But Laura Barcella wrote a great article on xojane recently about how The Smiths screwed her up and I do think there's something in the notion that, as impressionable youths, we took more from those songs than we should have.  That they normalised our alientation and made it seem glamorous and cool, something to aspire to.

"I'm a survivor/I'm gonna make it/I will survive/Keep on surviving."
Destiny's Child, Survivor (2001)

I'm fine now.  I get sad of course, everyone does, and occassionally I feel the black cloud hovering but I'm usually quick to get through it.  I still can't listen to a lot of music from those early days of my depression, though.  Parts of the Manics' The Holy Bible album will be forever off limits.  Olympian by Gene can still move me to tears.

When I look at the teenage girls that I teach, heavy eyeliner and long sleeves in summer, listening to My Chemical Romance and the Pretty Reckless, hanging out with other unhappy girls, I want to tell them that it does get better.  I want to tell them not to take the song lyrics as gospel.  That there's no glamour in depression, no matter what their rock star heroes seem to suggest.  That, for most of us, we come out the other side and survive.  But they'd think (with my own long sleeves in summer, all trace of teenage angst hidden), what do I know about misery?



Thursday, 6 March 2014

The moment I knew I was a feminist

I've read a couple of books lately - Reclaiming The F Word: The New Feminist Movement and Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists - both of which posed the question, What made you a feminist?  So of course, that got me to wondering what my own 'click moment' was: what was the moment when I knew I was a feminist?  But the thing is, I don't think I've ever had one.  As weird as it may sound, I don't remember ever not being a feminist.

Born into a left-wing South African family in which political activism was as natural as breathing, I grew up with parents who were vigilant about limiting discriminating behaviour.  Not to mention that childhood thirty years ago was rather different to now.  The tyranny of pink for girls hadn't yet taken hold (most of our childhood photos show my brothers and I all wearing varying shades of brown or blue), and gendered marketing to children barely existed.  This meant that, for a long time, I never questioned the notion of feminism because it was so ingrained in me.  From the moment I could talk, I knew what was bad - racism, sexism, homophobia, disabilism - and I knew that I was therefore a supporter of anything that was anti- these things.  I was one of those terribly self-righteous children who wrote poems about the horrors of racism and gave class presentations about apartheid (I fit in really well at my school in Bradford, let me tell you).

As a pre-teen, I would spend International Women's Day (which is this Saturday: put it in your diaries) with my mum at slightly hippy-dippy workshops, or with my friend Anya at all-girl events put on in local community halls.  In between henna hand painting and trampolining classes, I would reflect on how much luckier I was than my brothers, who had to stay at home and play football.

I can remember reading my mum's copies of Ms and Spare Rib when I was barely into my teens.  By this time, she was embarking on an MA in Women's Studies and the house was even more full of feminist texts than before. 

At school (and later, at university), I was the person who brought every discussion back to feminism or queer theory.  Whether discussing the works of Charlotte Bronte in English or the sociology of the city in Geography, my preoccupying thought was always, "what's the feminist perspective on this?".  For all that, I was astonishingly poorly read when it came to, y'know, actual feminist theorists.  I've always been one for soundbites above reasoned intellectual argument, and slogging through The Female Eunuch was not appealing to 19 year old me*.  Instead, it was in Riot Grrrl fanzines that I found feminist voices I could relate to.  Girls who wrote about the pressure to be thin and beautiful, and their efforts to resist it.  Girls who wrote about sexism and homophobia at school or in the workplace.  Girls who wrote about assualt and fear or the ways in which we harm our own bodies.  I started my own ranty, feminist fanzine and briefly felt like I was contributing to a dialogue.

However, by the time the new century began and I was in my mid-twenties, feminist activism - for me personally, and for many many other women of my generation - seemed to fizzle out.  Maybe because we were trying to cope with the mid-twenties crisis of, "When does my 'real' life start/How do I get the career I want/When will I ever be able to afford to do the things I want to do?" or maybe because the fire lit by Riot Grrrl had died down, but have to admit that I, and many other young, late-90s feminists, let the cause down.  Although I still identified as a feminist, I felt disheartened.  I knew that feminism was still as essential as ever, but as the term post-feminism started being bandied about - the idea that, now women have equality in law, feminism is an obsolete movement - it started to feel like I was on my own, when really I just wasn't doing a good enough job of seeking out other dissenting voices.

For me, it was the growth in internet-based activism found on blogs, Tumblr and Twitter that re-lit my passion for feminism as a truly vibrant movement.  Seeing other women, many almost a generation younger than me, ensuring that their voices in the fight against patriarchy was like a lightning bolt to me.  From high-profile Twitter campaigns, such as the one to get the Bank of England to include women on banknotes (and the disgusting, deep-rooted misogyny that such campaigns exposed), to huge media outlets such as Jezebel, feminism has remerged as a vibrant and powerful force. 

Do I think the new era of feminism is perfect?  Hell no.  I wish that women would stop complaining that other women aren't doing feminism 'right' because I'd like to think that any activism is better than no activism, and our ire is better directed at the real target: the widespread misogyny borne of a patriarchal society.  That being said, the tendency of some popular feminist writers to focus on a narrow - often transphobic and heterocentric - view of women's experience is extremely damaging, and there is often a lack of understanding of how racism can intersect with sexual oppression for non-white women.  Because of this, mainstream feminism continues to be alienating to many women, and that must be recognised, but I can't help but feel excited when I read Laurie Penny in New Statesman, or Kira Cochrane in The Guardian, or the many bloggers out there who write passionately about being a feminist.  To see young women engaging with feminism in a way that previous generations never did gives me hope for the future and gives me the energy and inspiration to continue my own activism through writing, teaching, learning and reading.

I'd love to hear your stories: what was the moment you became a feminist?

*I've actually still never read it, although a course on Feminism at university did finally force me to read - and love - Greer's The Whole Woman, bell hooks, Naomi Wolf, and many others.